Ramadaan
by ChryedLover
Summary: I decided to write a fic from Syed's POV on this month of Ramadaan. One shot  possibly  and based on the first day of Ramadaan, in regards to Chryed :


**A/N:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own EastEnders or any of the characters. I'm simply borrowing them. Also, it's not my intention to offend any Muslims with this fiction and I'm writing based on my own knowledge.**

**I decided to write this fic because I am actually a Muslim, so I guess it's fair to say that I know the 'ins and outs' of Ramadaan just as well as any other Muslim. **

**I think this will be a one shot only although I **_**may possibly **_**do another chapter – it depends on how much time I have and if I feel inspired enough. **

**Hopefully this should explain just the basic 'routine' of a day and I've written it in different formats. It's set on the FIRST day of Ramadaan. **

**Finally, I'm publishing it – thanks to pressure over at WFCTGIO :p *excuses***

**I heart reviews!**

**Much love CC xx**

**Keywords:**

Sehri – Dawn – time to close your fast in the morning

Iftari – Sunset – time to open your fast in the evening

Namaaz – Prayers – When Muslims pray on a mat, 5 times a day (known as Fajr, Zuhr, Asr, Magrib, and Isha Namaaz).

Taraweeh prayers – Special prayers that are prayed only in Ramadaan and after Isha Namaaz. A set amount must be prayed and often go on for 2 hours approximately.

Topi - Hats that men must wear to pray in.

Azaan – Call for prayer – Informs Muslim when it's time to pray Namaaz.

**12****th**** August 2010**

_Dear Diary,_

Ramadaan's finally started.

I don't even know why I'm keeping a diary but I figured it's a good thing to do for now. Not really sure how often I'll update it.

It's yet another Ramadaan away from my family. Last year I was with them again, playing the role of the 'perfect' son and this year I've moved out of home and into Christian's flat with him.. as his boyfriend. Amazing how things change in just a year isn't it?

So I woke up for Sehri this morning and found myself tucked up in Christian. I had to hit the alarm off at 3.10am. Earliest I'd gotten up for months. I'd eaten porridge, egg, toast, tea and rusks. I felt sick but washed it down with 2 glasses of water. I knew that stuffing myself now but meant less hunger pangs in the day. Christian had dragged himself out of bed and watched me eat Breakfast. I'd told him last night that there was no point in him getting up but he insisted that he wanted to do it. Quite amusing though considering at one point I thought he was going to fall asleep in my toast, but he caught himself at the last moment.

"_Cwistan I'm –rushing m- teeh" _

_Spitting out into the sink, I rinsed my mouth. _

_I batted away Christian's hands and turned to face him. _

"_It's almost quarter to four, shouldn't you get back to sleep"?_

"_I want to wait for you first"_

"_And a kiss"_

"_Actually I was waiting for you but since you're offering, it's a shame to let it go amiss isn't it"._

_I smiled adoringly at him. _

_Leaning up for a kiss, I stopped, wrinkling my nose._

"_Ew you've got morning breath Christian"_

"_It's the middle of the night"_

"_It still applies. Either brush your teeth while I get changed or no kiss"_

"_That's blackmail"_

"_That's hygiene". _

"_No fair" I smiled at him as he pretended to pout. _

"_I'm closing my fast in 10 minutes, so hop to it"._

_Leaving him in the bathroom, I walked through, picking up my clean clothes. I waited patiently for him. A minute later he zoomed out the bathroom._

"_You must have broken a world record"_

"_Well I didn't want to miss the time did I, seeing as you're being so cold to me"._

"_Cold" I laughed. "Keep that up and no kiss until tonight"._

_Christian strutted infront of me and I flicked my eyes at him. It had the effect that I wanted. We stepped closer and running a hand down the side of his face, I kissed him hard. I allowed him to slip his tongue into my mouth, enjoying the moment. The need for air became too much and reluctantly I broke the kiss, gasping._

"_That's all you're getting Christian, you better get to sleep. If you can't wake up in the morning, you'll be grumpy"._

"_I'd sleep better if you joined me"._

_I raised an eyebrow at him._

"_I told you last night, I'm going to the Mosque"_

"_It's a bit .. dark outside"._

"_You sound like my m-" I broke the sentence off, looking away. I quickly changed my clothes, neither of us speaking. I felt a pang of sadness that I couldn't be across the Square getting ready for Mosque with my family. I pushed the thought away._

"_You can mention them you know"_

"_Like I said, I'm going to Mosque so I better get going if I want a good space. Don't wait up Christian"._

_Grabbing my topi and keys, I walked to the Mosque._

Christian came home from work today to find me asleep. I don't make a habit of falling asleep but it helps pass the day and I spend less time tempted by food. Christian's suggestion of going out for a few hours went down like a lead balloon. I didn't mean to make Ian hear me in the chip shop, but going for a walk requires energy. Energy that I didn't have and frankly I just couldn't be bothered. Christian ended up tempting me with ice cream before pulling the cutest 'Oops' face. I genuinely don't think he realised what he'd said and a moment passed before we both started laughing. It was kind of hilarious and we ended up watching Romeo and Juliet. Apparently that's the new daytime telly but at least it's a step up from Jerry Springer. It's currently 6.30 so almost time for Asr Namaaz. I can hear Christian whistling away in the kitchen, he's decided to cook me dinner as it's my first fast. Something tells me they'll be enough food to invite the entire Beale clan over for dinner. Christian doesn't actually know I'm writing a diary, I guess I'm a bit embarrassed to tell him. Maybe one day, just not yet. I've just remembered something.. Christian needs to teach me how to whistle. Shabnam always promised to teach me but always wanted something in return. I guess Christian will too.. but I can get my way with him when I want and its often enjoyable for us both. Must. Stop. Right, time to pray Namaaz, read Quraan and then go get ready for Iftari time.

Christian fidgeted in his chair and I smiled at him.

"_What"?_

"_I told you Christian, if you want to start eating, you can"._

"_No, I want to wait for you Sy. There's only a few minutes left"._

"_3 to be precise"._

I looked at the spread in front of me. There was dates, crispy samosa's, rice, steaming chicken stir fry, dahl, fresh chappatis and chips. Not to mention various condiments and 3 different types of beverages.

"_Christian, you've got enough food here to feed the entire street"._

"_Too bad, the food's for us"._

I rolled my eyes at him, feeling touched.

"_I told you not to make so much, I would have been happy with what we normally eat"._

"_And I told you, no food for 17 hours? You must be delirious if you think I'm letting you eat fish and chips"._

"_Still". _I blushed looking away from him. He'd gone to a lot of effort for me. The ticking sound on my TV caught my attention. I looked at the familiar screen as it ticked down from 10 seconds to nought.

I recited "_Allah hoooma inni, laka sum toh, wa be ka amanto, wa allah rizkeh ka aftar toh" _ along with the molvi on the screen before biting into my date. Smiling blissfully, I picked up my glass of water and drunk it all immediately. I grabbed some finger food and placed them on my plate. The Azaan played through the room and grabbing the remote, I quickly switched it off.

"_It's fine Sy, you can leave it on"._

"_Nah it's fine. I just needed to know when the fast opened"._

We spoke between mouthfuls, each satisfying our appetite.

"_What was that guy saying"?_

"_It's the call for prayer. It lets us know when it's time for the next Namaaz"._

"_Oh. Alright. I didn't even know that I had these channels"._

"_You've got the full package with Sky, Christian. Haven't you ever flicked through all the channels when you're bored"?_

Christian grinned.

"_Yeah but I never made it into the late 800s because I often found something to occupy myself in the early 300s"._

"_Pass the chutney please. I bet you've got the gay hotline on speed dial too"._

"_I thought I told you not to go through my phone"._

I met his eyes, grinning. Typical Christian. I looked down at my watch, realizing the time.

"_I better go and pray" _I said, scraping my chair back.

"_Already? You've barely started eating Syed. Surely you can't be full already"._

"_There's not long with this Namaaz. Lemme go and pray and then I'll come back and finish eating"._

"_Are you sure"?_

"_Yeah it's fine. You finish eating and I'll be back before you know it"._

"_At least have another samosa before you go and pray, or-"_

"_Christian"_

"_Yeah"?_

"_I'm fine. Honestly. Like I said, I'll be out before you know it". _

Balancing the plates on my hands, I walked over to the kitchen, gazing at Christian's bum straining through his jeans. I couldn't help but smile to myself. I placed the plates on the sideboard and spun Christian around. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I gazed at him adoringly. I felt hands creep down my waist, resting on my hips. Smiling at him, I leaned up and kissed him on the lips. His wet tongue slid into my mouth and I felt his groan vibrate on his lips. I smiled into the kiss, no matter what I said, it'd been a long day. The gaps between our bodies closed and it took me a couple of moments to realise that Christian had transported us out of the Kitchen and towards our bed. I pulled back from him. Warm lips travelled down my neck. He wasn't going to make this easy for me, was he?

"_There's not enough time Christian"_

"_Are you sure about that"?_

"_Yessssssss"._

"_How long do we have"?_

"_I need to start getting ready for prayers in about 30 minutes"._

Christian's lips stopped and he pulled me up, looking at me.

"_30 minutes? Even though we-"_

I silenced him with another kiss. We break apart several moments later content. I suddenly feel nervous as I realise that Christian isn't going to stop be a sex pest. I fidget nervously and step away from him.

"_Sy"? _He frowns slightly and waits for an answer.

"_If I tell you something, will you promise not to laugh"?_

I analyse his reaction, and he must have noticed the serious look on my face because he replies with the two words I want to hear from him.

"_I promise"_

"_The truth is, if we you know, 'do', anything then I won't be able to concentrate on my prayers tonight". _

His lips meld together into a straight line and I can see he's trying not to laugh. A snort escapes his lips and I turn away from him walking to the wardbrobe.

"_See, I knew you were going to laugh. I asked you not to laugh".._

"_Oh Sy, come on. I'm sorry but I just wasn't expecting that answer"._

He grabs my arm, spinning me towards him. I stare at him peeved.

"_I'm sorry, okay. It's fine. I'll just have to settle for a smooch instead". _

I can hear myself breathing heavily. I pull my arms out of his grip. Breaking into a smile, I grab his hand and lead him to the sofa, before kissing him feeling somewhat stupid.

"_I didn't mean to lose it". _

"_Don't worry about it, I'm used to your mood swings"._

"_Oi. Watch it". _I nudge him playfully with my arm before settling down into his arms.

"_Sy.."_

"_Yeah"?_

"_If I ask you something, will you promise not to laugh"?_

I can't help but roll my eyes at him even though I know he can't see me.

"_Unlike some people, I won't break my promise"_

I wait for him to speak as I play with his hands.

"_Christian"._

"_Okay, okay, okay. I'm just going to come out and say it"_

"_I'm waiting.."_

"_Yeah.."_

"_Tick tock"_

"_Fine. It's just that normally you don't mind having sex and then.. praying half an hour later"._

His body tenses beneath mine. I drop his hand.

"_That came out completely wrong Sy, I didn't mean it like that. Just forget it"._

I sigh. But that's what really happens. I turn to face Christian and I can see he's embarrassed.

"_No, it's a fair statement. It's just I've come to terms with being who I am and still being a Muslim. I know I've not got the perfect balance but I will find it, I know I will. Just with the prayers in Ramadaan, they're different. They're more intense and they can take 2 hours easy. It's all about purifying your soul and keeping your connection with God. I haven't.. lived openly as a gay man and accepted it before so this is the first Ramadaan for me. And I certainly didn't have a boyfriend"._

Christian chuckles quietly, weaving his hands with mine. I squeeze them reassuringly. There's so much more that I want to say to him and I realise that he knows this and is waiting for me.

"_If we did, you know.."_

"_..Have sex.." _I blush ignoring his words.

"_..then I go off to Taraweeh prayers then I'll feel… I'm just not ready. I wouldn't be able to compartmentalise what I was doing 20 minutes beforehand with my prayers in hand. And maybe one day, I'll be able to do that but right now I just need time Christian"._

I look down, suddenly feeling drained. I find two cool hands cupped around my face. Christian brings my face to his level. His eyes are sparkling at me and there's a small smile on his face.

"_You take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere"._

I lose myself in his sea green eyes and he places a chaste kiss on my lips.

"_I've got to get ready Christian, otherwise I'm going to be late"._

"_Alright. Any ideas what time you'll be back"?_

"_Probably after midnight so don't wait up"._

A warm smile is his response to me. I leave the sofa and make my way to the bathroom.

"_If I'm being too pushy or anything, then you have to let me know and I'll stop"._

"_You, pushy? Next you'll be saying that Fatboy actually knows how to speak English"_

"_You're absolutely hilarious Syed Masood"._

"_So I've been told". _I fake a bow retreating to the bathroom.

Locking the door behind me, I rest my head against the cold wooden door and sigh deeply. I still need to tell him about the 27th fast but no point telling him just yet because he's only going to worry. Shab-E-Qadar, its one of the holiest nights of the year, if not THE holiest night of the year. I have no idea to broach the subject or what I'm going to say to him but I still have another 3 odd weeks to think about it. You pray for mercy, forgiveness, strength.. all the things I prayed all night for until tears were running down my face. Mercy for giving into Christian. Forgiveness for constantly going back to him. Strength not to love him.

I'd managed to hide my face from my dad when I'd seen him. I didn't want to explain why I was crying or what I was praying so hard for. How could I? I wasn't able to explain it to _myself,_ let alone him. But the days wore on and I was convinced it'd worked, I was finally 'normal' and a good Muslim again. Until I caught a glimpse of him and with a single touch my heart had raced past any rational thoughts. Yet here I stand a year later, only absolute in the knowledge that I tried from the depths of my soul to change me, and I can't. I've been made this way. I am gay and I love another man.

I better get a move on to Taraweeh prayers though, otherwise I'm going to be late. If I see my family, so be it, but no one can kick me out of my own Mosque. I go there to pray to Allah, not for anything else. I don't want to make things harder for them, but I'm happy to pray at the back. At least that way, we won't have to constantly see each other. Either way, I'm still a Muslim and nothing can take that away from me.


End file.
